


This Next Step, This Next Breath

by Visionsofdazzlingrooms



Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [10]
Category: blue bloods
Genre: Continuation, F/M, Pills, Poor Danny, Suicidal Thoughts, gun - Freeform, psychologist, shrink office, suicide talk, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26916781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visionsofdazzlingrooms/pseuds/Visionsofdazzlingrooms
Summary: He’s going to have to tell someone else about this event, even if he thinks she’s a nut case.
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Linda Reagan
Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899769
Comments: 2





	This Next Step, This Next Breath

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by @ancilla89, who thought The Pain That You Feel Can Only Heal By Living needed more expansion and/or closure. 
> 
> ALSO! I have never had suicidal thoughts or feelings, so I sincerely apologize to those who have if I end up offending you. I never want to nor intend to offend. 
> 
> Don’t read if talking about suicide is a trigger for you. Please take care of yourself first and foremost

Danny watches Linda braid her hair after their shared bath. She’s flushed from the hot water and steam in the room, and her eyes have a far away look to them, as if she’s trapped in her thoughts.

He’s the one who’s trapped, though, trapped with these awful feelings and awful thoughts. He actually hates himself and can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if he hadn’t chickened out. All he feels is the weight of the gun in his hand, the cool metal against his clammy skin. He tries focusing on Linda. Linda, his light, his anchor, his life. 

“Are you going to talk about it?” Linda wonders as she ties off the second Dutch braid. 

“No.”

“Danny,” she turns around and grasps his hands in hers. “We need to talk about this.”

He knows she’s right, but he doesn’t really want to talk to her about it. He just wishes it never happened and that she’d forget about it. He peels himself from the edge of the tub and walks to the bedroom.

“Fine,” Linda’s annoyed voice comes from the bathroom. She stands in the doorway, “fine, fine. You don’t want to talk about how you almost killed yourself today, then fine. Let it- let it all bubble up again. Let fester inside you and consume you. Then what? You’ll be worse off and in a coffin. Do you really want that?”

“I thought you said you wouldn’t lecture.” It is a lame response and Danny knows it. He just wants to close his eyes and sleep and forget.

“This isn’t a lecture.” Her voice is calmer now. “This is righteous anger and concern.” She sits next to him on the bed. “When did you plan on telling me?” 

“I-“ he bows his head. Any excuse he could make would be a flimsy lie. “I wasn't going to tell you.”

“You know that’s is violation of our agreement. When we were still engaged, we made a promise to tell each other if something big, or even little, was bothering us.” 

“I know. I remember.”

“So what? You just decided to lie to me?”

Danny almost looks offended as he finally turns his head towards her. “No! No, of course not.”

“But you did lie.”

“I didn’t lie, Linda. I just... didn’t tell you.”

“Just not telling me is when you break an I ugly as hell antique vase and hide the evidence. No, this- this is definitely lying. This is something big. Super big.” 

Danny watches her push herself up to the pillows and relax against them.

“I have all night. Start talking.”

He closes his eyes and looks down again. He’s silent for a long time. He feels Linda moving behind him and relaxes into her embrace. Her lips are soft and warm against his cheek.

“I’m not going to berate you, or degrade you, or anything like that.” She shifts again, beckoning him to follow. “C’mere, come, come.” She pats the spot beside her at the top of the bed. 

Danny feels a little calmer when she laces her fingers through his. 

“I’m going to sit here, and I’m going to listen. I’m not going to call you stupid or idiotic or anything like that. I wouldn’t do that in the first place, but you need support, not ridicule. So start talking when you’re ready.” 

It’s already so hard to voice his thoughts, or to even have to dwell on this this long, but he has to do it. Danny’s silent, running a thumb over Linda’s hand, thinking about what to say. His lips tick into the tiniest smile when her head falls to his shoulder. He swallows and pushes the words out.

“Some days, I’m fine. And others... others I’m not. It’s getting worse, the- the noise is too loud... I don’t know how to stop it other than...”

“You need help, Danny. Help I can’t really give you... you should talk to Brie.”

“Brie’s a nutcase.”

Linda laughs, “she’s a *psychologist* who loves life. There’s a difference between a nutcase and a peppy person who enjoys life.” She lifts her head, causing him to turn to her. “Tell you what. Just try talking to Brie. If it doesn’t work, then we’ll try something else. Just... suicide is never the answer.”

“It feels like the only solution.”

“It’s not. Let’s just... let’s spend the rest of the day together. When you want to talk, I’ll be ready. But you’re going to see Brie tomorrow.”

He knows he doesn’t have a choice; even if Linda’s best friend wasn’t a psychologist, he knows he wouldn’t have a choice- she’d make him talk to one, regardless of their relationship with the doctor.

**********

“Linda? Oh my gosh, hi!” Dr. Brie Riley hugs her friend tightly. “I didnt expect to see you in the office. What’s up? You okay?”

Danny watches Brie rub his wife’s arm, feeling very out of place in the chic office. 

“I’m fine, but Danny isn’t.”

“Oh, what’s wrong?” She turns to Danny. She doesn’t know him as well as she knows Linda, but she knows him well enough to call him a friend.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing is spilt milk. Those eyes say a world of something is definitely up.” 

“Brie, I know we Kinda landed on you, but Danny needs help. I’m not an expert in this, so I can’t really help.” Linda unnecessarily explains. “He tried to shoot himself yesterday.”

Her fingers tracing his hair line does feel calming, so he starts relaxing a little bit.

“Oh no.” Brie frowns, “what’s wrong?”

“It’s not a-“ Danny stops himself from finishing the sentence. “It’s a big deal. I thought it might— what’re you doing?”

“Well, I have to write this down so I can later refer back to it, and see the progress that you’ve made.” She smiles widely, tapping the notepad.

Danny whispers to Linda though his teeth, “Linda, she’s a nut job.” 

“I know you think I’m wacko, but that doesn’t change the fact you’re in deep. Did you go immediately for the gun, or did you think of other things?”

“Other things.” He sighs, realizing he can’t win. 

“Pills, I’m guessing. Accidental overdose that’s just enough to kill you, leaving a small window for revival?”

Danny nods, surprised she knew that without him telling her.

“These thoughts- these suicidal thoughts, they’re coming from your tour in Fallujah, yes?”

He nods again, wondering if she really is that good, or if she and Linda gossip and talk about their lives over pasta lunches on Wednesdays. 

“How often have these thoughts been occurring?” 

“Often now.”

“Meaning they- it was a slow burn kinda thing. An occasional ‘huh, wonder if this’ll kill me’ evolved into ‘how much will kill me’?”

“How... how do you know this?”

Brie reaches over her head to take a picture off her book shelf. She hands it to Danny. “That’s me, Linda, and Sandy.”

Linda sighs quietly, giving her friend a sympathetic look.

“Sandy was my guy. He tried to pick up Linda, who immediately shot him down. See, Linda’s a matchmaker, so she told him about me. Sandy and I hit it off right away, and we eloped shortly after you two married. In ‘97, Sandy did one tour with the army. He came back wrong, broken. I tried to help him, but I was too late.” Brie paused for a second, swallowing the tears. “He called me in the spring of ‘99, told me all these feelings and thoughts he had been having. I had just gotten my masters, when all this happened.”

Linda sees her friend start to falter, so she steps in. “Danny, Sandy short himself like you were going to do. Only he called her to say goodbye.... Brie heard him kill himself.”

Danny looks almost horrified, “oh my gosh, are you okay?”

Brie nods, wiping the few tears that slipped from her eyes. “Whenever I get someone in here like you, I tell them that story. I don’t know about war or anything like that, but hearing Sandy- I have trauma from that. I wanna help you, Danny, so that you don’t end up like Sandy. So Linda doesn’t end up like me.”

“I wanna be helped, I do. I’m just... not good at feelings.”

“Not according to Linda,” Brie cast her friend a sly look as the protests came.

“Brie!” Linda hisses with fake anger.

“Lookit, I can help you. I can help you talk through the shit going on in your head, and I can also help you, Linda. Be more patient and slower to tears.”

Linda tilts her head in agreement, surrendering to the accusations of her quickness to cry.

“Does that sound like a plan?”

Danny nods, slowly feeling a little better. He still thinks Brie’s a nut job, but she’s a nice nut job who seems to know what she’s doing.

“Oh, and, Danny. If you ever need to talk outside of the sessions- like you’re just having a bad day and need a fifteen minute pep talk- you can call me.” Brie smiles warmly at him.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. I do, unfortunately, have another patient coming in, but I can schedule you for a full session tomorrow?”

“That sounds fine.” He nods as she shakes his hand.

“Thank you so much, Brie!” Linda hugs her friend.

“Anything for my best friend’s husband!”

**Author's Note:**

> I also think I’m going to try my hand at making these chapters into a multi-chapter fic.


End file.
